I was watching the women's hockey team at our college and noticed how a few of the parents were incredibly emotional during play. When my kids were involved in sports, I was the same way. I worried they would get hurt, that they would be embarrassed if they missed an opportunity to score a run or make a basket, etc... Then, I noticed that some of these parents weren't very sympathetic about a missed shot as I was when my kids didn't get the score. One father began yelling at his daughter - over ruling her coach - and you could tell she was trying to ignore him, to stay focused on the game. He was a well-meaning father who got carried away. Or was he a father who lives vicariously through his children? Was he a father who expects perfection from his children? What happens if his child doesn't meet his expectations? What happens if he makes up excuses, telling the coach that his child was having a bad day because of, "...." What happens if he allows his child to fail - or have a bad game and let her find out how to overcome the issue on her own?
Hummmm... I wonder if this young lady has ever been allowed to make to mistake? I wonder what her level of stress is when her father begins to second guess her ability and that of her coach? I wonder how she handles the pressure? IS this one of the young ladies on campus that needs to go to the wellness center for counseling, or one of the girls who is bullying other girls in the dorms?
I know most parents only want what is the best for their children. Most parents fall into the "Well-meaning Parent" category. What we don't know, is are we helping or hurting our children?
What do you think?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
First Confession
Confessions of a Well-Meaning Mother
It was all so innocent at first. No mother wants her children to struggle, so it didn’t seem like a bad idea. Let’s face it, all I wanted was to be sure she didn’t get evicted. So, I sent a check to cover a month’s rent and asked that she not be told about it. How was I suppose to know that a day later she would come to me and tell me she knew she was in danger of being evicted, but she wanted to handle it on her own and to please accept the fact she knew it was her fault that got her into the mess and it was her responsibility to take care of it.
I kept my mouth shut about having sent a check the day before. After three weeks the property management person contacted me again saying he had not heard from her and if I would send $250.00 this week and again in two weeks, he would hold off serving her with the eviction notice. I hesitated, but agreed. The day I sent the second check, she came in and complained that she had been attempting to contact the property manager and her calls were never returned. In the course of this time, a new owner of the building came into play and rent was due within a few days. She said, “I have enough money for rent this month.” Good. I asked her if she had made any more attempts to get the past due paid off, and slipped up. I told her all she would need to get that clear was another $500. Oppps…. She knew I knew too much and demanded to know how I knew that… What a dope….
My daughter flew into a rage when I confessed. “How could you do that – and behind my back after I told you I would take care of it myself! If you can’t believe in me, how am I ever supposed to grow up? You have to let me get evicted if I choose to not pay my rent. You have to let me mess up on my own!”
She’s absolutely right. I made a mistake. Let’s not forget I did that before she told me not to… But the end result was still the same. I need to find a better way to love my daughter than to rescue her every time I get nervous about her situation. As a well-meaning mother, I actually sabotaged her independence. That is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Learning to let go is difficult. Learning to let go is necessary. Learning to show restraint is heart wrenching when your instincts as a parent kick into high-gear that danger is near.
Well-meaning mothers may have a higher level of protectiveness built into them. Or maybe it’s just a fear that if our children fail, it may be a reflection of our parenting skills – that maybe we failed our children. But now that I look back on this event, I think over-protecting and rescuing our children is really how we fail our children. My daughter was the wiser of two of us. She knew what she needed to learn and I just didn’t want to accept it. I’ve learned a lot. Now let’s just hope I can remember it next time.
It was all so innocent at first. No mother wants her children to struggle, so it didn’t seem like a bad idea. Let’s face it, all I wanted was to be sure she didn’t get evicted. So, I sent a check to cover a month’s rent and asked that she not be told about it. How was I suppose to know that a day later she would come to me and tell me she knew she was in danger of being evicted, but she wanted to handle it on her own and to please accept the fact she knew it was her fault that got her into the mess and it was her responsibility to take care of it.
I kept my mouth shut about having sent a check the day before. After three weeks the property management person contacted me again saying he had not heard from her and if I would send $250.00 this week and again in two weeks, he would hold off serving her with the eviction notice. I hesitated, but agreed. The day I sent the second check, she came in and complained that she had been attempting to contact the property manager and her calls were never returned. In the course of this time, a new owner of the building came into play and rent was due within a few days. She said, “I have enough money for rent this month.” Good. I asked her if she had made any more attempts to get the past due paid off, and slipped up. I told her all she would need to get that clear was another $500. Oppps…. She knew I knew too much and demanded to know how I knew that… What a dope….
My daughter flew into a rage when I confessed. “How could you do that – and behind my back after I told you I would take care of it myself! If you can’t believe in me, how am I ever supposed to grow up? You have to let me get evicted if I choose to not pay my rent. You have to let me mess up on my own!”
She’s absolutely right. I made a mistake. Let’s not forget I did that before she told me not to… But the end result was still the same. I need to find a better way to love my daughter than to rescue her every time I get nervous about her situation. As a well-meaning mother, I actually sabotaged her independence. That is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Learning to let go is difficult. Learning to let go is necessary. Learning to show restraint is heart wrenching when your instincts as a parent kick into high-gear that danger is near.
Well-meaning mothers may have a higher level of protectiveness built into them. Or maybe it’s just a fear that if our children fail, it may be a reflection of our parenting skills – that maybe we failed our children. But now that I look back on this event, I think over-protecting and rescuing our children is really how we fail our children. My daughter was the wiser of two of us. She knew what she needed to learn and I just didn’t want to accept it. I’ve learned a lot. Now let’s just hope I can remember it next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
