She began this adventure with a friend. They would get jobs, find an apartment and share expenses while making money to pad the bank accounts for the winter. She went to the Cape, found a job and a sublease for the summer season that was only 2 blocks from the job. It sounded perfect. The roommate was excited too but had not found a job yet. On the Thurs. before they were to move, she got a call from the person she was subleasing from only to be told the building owner did not allow a sublease and the apartment was no longer available. She called her new boss and told her what had happened so the new employer told her, no problem and moved her start date back to May 13th. Now she had to find another apartment! So, instead of moving she went back to the Cape to find another apartment.
She contacted several people and saw a couple of places, but one was better than the others, all inclusive and only 1/2 mile from the new job. It was available and the girls could move in the next weekend (this past weekend - Sunday). That was fine, until her friend's truck broke down and would take most of the money saved for the deposit and first month's rent to fix. Wed. she was told by her friend, she couldn't make the move becasue she no longer had the money and hadn't found a job yet.
The apartment was found based on two people sharing expenses, she can't afford to do it by herself and she has to be out of her apartment in three days... Now what? She talked to the new landlord and he said he'd work with her on the rent since it wasn't her fault the friend backed out. For some reason, she felt something was still wrong but couldn't put her finger on it. The moving truck was going to be the use of her friend's truck - now broken down and her boyfriend's trailer they would hitch to it. Now she had no roommate and no way to move her stuff.
She began a frantic effort to sell most of her furniture and several items she no longer used or felt she needed at this time in her life. She was successful for the most part, but didn't get nearly what she had hoped for price wise. I found a cargo van to rent and on Sunday, with the help of 5 of her friends we got everything she had left loaded into the cargo van and ready to go. When she called the new landlord to tell him what time she would be arriving he told her she couldn't move in, it would be too late. She asked about getting in first thing Monday morning and again he said, NO. She all but pleaed with him to figure out how she could get in the apartment, unload the van and get back in time to return the van - since it was a 24 hour rental. He was , as she said, rude to her and was yelling at his girlfriend who had said she would be happy to let her in first thing in the morning.
She sat on my couch in tears, saying, "I can't go but I have no where else to go. I don't want a landlord that is mean like that and he lives up-stairs. " Her boyfriend said his family siad she could stay with them and store her things in their basement until she found a place. They live about 30 minutes from the new job. She decided to drive the van there, try to find a storage unit and if she couldn't find one, she'd accept their offer to put everything in the basement for now. Last night she and her boyfriend returned the cargo van, came back here and finished cleaning the apartment, and drove back to the cape. She will stay with his family until she finds a place of her own - not relieing on a roommate to cover expenses. A little while ago she called, said she found some rental that are for seasonal workers and hoped to find a spot in the next day or two.
I only paid for the cargo van's rental. I did not offer to give her extra money for anything else. Today I handed over the rest of the rent she owned on this apartment to the building manager in an envolope she handed me before they set off to the Cape. She paid her own bills, mostly, this time. I was pretty good, just slipped a little with the van. But she is on the cape and her job starts in two days - hopefully she'll have her place by then. It feels good to let go and know I kept my mouth shut about all the obstacles in her way - allowing her to figure them out for herself. It was killing me - but I kept my mouth shut. This letting go stuff is SO HARD! But I am proud of her. Now we'll get to see her fly. Keep your fingers crossed.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Oops, I did it again!
I didn't mean to do it. REALLY! She asked me this time. She has decided to move closer to the boyfriend and get an apartment 1/2 hour away from where he is - to keep some distance while being close enough to be there for each other on bad days. The new apartment needed a deposit and a months rent up-front. This is a common thing for any rental so I should not have been surprised. She said she would pay me back ASAP after getting settled and starting back to work... I've heard this before and I will be very shocked if she actually repays the money. Well, softy Mom here has cut myself way to short on funds until next payday to help her out - yet again. When will I learn? I hope she is really going to make good on her promise and that I can actually trust her again. If not, it's my own fault and I have no one to blame but myself...
Why do we give so much to our kids? We need to really explore this thing - some self reflection is probably in order.
Why do we give so much to our kids? We need to really explore this thing - some self reflection is probably in order.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Allowing failure
I was watching the women's hockey team at our college and noticed how a few of the parents were incredibly emotional during play. When my kids were involved in sports, I was the same way. I worried they would get hurt, that they would be embarrassed if they missed an opportunity to score a run or make a basket, etc... Then, I noticed that some of these parents weren't very sympathetic about a missed shot as I was when my kids didn't get the score. One father began yelling at his daughter - over ruling her coach - and you could tell she was trying to ignore him, to stay focused on the game. He was a well-meaning father who got carried away. Or was he a father who lives vicariously through his children? Was he a father who expects perfection from his children? What happens if his child doesn't meet his expectations? What happens if he makes up excuses, telling the coach that his child was having a bad day because of, "...." What happens if he allows his child to fail - or have a bad game and let her find out how to overcome the issue on her own?
Hummmm... I wonder if this young lady has ever been allowed to make to mistake? I wonder what her level of stress is when her father begins to second guess her ability and that of her coach? I wonder how she handles the pressure? IS this one of the young ladies on campus that needs to go to the wellness center for counseling, or one of the girls who is bullying other girls in the dorms?
I know most parents only want what is the best for their children. Most parents fall into the "Well-meaning Parent" category. What we don't know, is are we helping or hurting our children?
What do you think?
Hummmm... I wonder if this young lady has ever been allowed to make to mistake? I wonder what her level of stress is when her father begins to second guess her ability and that of her coach? I wonder how she handles the pressure? IS this one of the young ladies on campus that needs to go to the wellness center for counseling, or one of the girls who is bullying other girls in the dorms?
I know most parents only want what is the best for their children. Most parents fall into the "Well-meaning Parent" category. What we don't know, is are we helping or hurting our children?
What do you think?
Sunday, February 28, 2010
First Confession
Confessions of a Well-Meaning Mother
It was all so innocent at first. No mother wants her children to struggle, so it didn’t seem like a bad idea. Let’s face it, all I wanted was to be sure she didn’t get evicted. So, I sent a check to cover a month’s rent and asked that she not be told about it. How was I suppose to know that a day later she would come to me and tell me she knew she was in danger of being evicted, but she wanted to handle it on her own and to please accept the fact she knew it was her fault that got her into the mess and it was her responsibility to take care of it.
I kept my mouth shut about having sent a check the day before. After three weeks the property management person contacted me again saying he had not heard from her and if I would send $250.00 this week and again in two weeks, he would hold off serving her with the eviction notice. I hesitated, but agreed. The day I sent the second check, she came in and complained that she had been attempting to contact the property manager and her calls were never returned. In the course of this time, a new owner of the building came into play and rent was due within a few days. She said, “I have enough money for rent this month.” Good. I asked her if she had made any more attempts to get the past due paid off, and slipped up. I told her all she would need to get that clear was another $500. Oppps…. She knew I knew too much and demanded to know how I knew that… What a dope….
My daughter flew into a rage when I confessed. “How could you do that – and behind my back after I told you I would take care of it myself! If you can’t believe in me, how am I ever supposed to grow up? You have to let me get evicted if I choose to not pay my rent. You have to let me mess up on my own!”
She’s absolutely right. I made a mistake. Let’s not forget I did that before she told me not to… But the end result was still the same. I need to find a better way to love my daughter than to rescue her every time I get nervous about her situation. As a well-meaning mother, I actually sabotaged her independence. That is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Learning to let go is difficult. Learning to let go is necessary. Learning to show restraint is heart wrenching when your instincts as a parent kick into high-gear that danger is near.
Well-meaning mothers may have a higher level of protectiveness built into them. Or maybe it’s just a fear that if our children fail, it may be a reflection of our parenting skills – that maybe we failed our children. But now that I look back on this event, I think over-protecting and rescuing our children is really how we fail our children. My daughter was the wiser of two of us. She knew what she needed to learn and I just didn’t want to accept it. I’ve learned a lot. Now let’s just hope I can remember it next time.
It was all so innocent at first. No mother wants her children to struggle, so it didn’t seem like a bad idea. Let’s face it, all I wanted was to be sure she didn’t get evicted. So, I sent a check to cover a month’s rent and asked that she not be told about it. How was I suppose to know that a day later she would come to me and tell me she knew she was in danger of being evicted, but she wanted to handle it on her own and to please accept the fact she knew it was her fault that got her into the mess and it was her responsibility to take care of it.
I kept my mouth shut about having sent a check the day before. After three weeks the property management person contacted me again saying he had not heard from her and if I would send $250.00 this week and again in two weeks, he would hold off serving her with the eviction notice. I hesitated, but agreed. The day I sent the second check, she came in and complained that she had been attempting to contact the property manager and her calls were never returned. In the course of this time, a new owner of the building came into play and rent was due within a few days. She said, “I have enough money for rent this month.” Good. I asked her if she had made any more attempts to get the past due paid off, and slipped up. I told her all she would need to get that clear was another $500. Oppps…. She knew I knew too much and demanded to know how I knew that… What a dope….
My daughter flew into a rage when I confessed. “How could you do that – and behind my back after I told you I would take care of it myself! If you can’t believe in me, how am I ever supposed to grow up? You have to let me get evicted if I choose to not pay my rent. You have to let me mess up on my own!”
She’s absolutely right. I made a mistake. Let’s not forget I did that before she told me not to… But the end result was still the same. I need to find a better way to love my daughter than to rescue her every time I get nervous about her situation. As a well-meaning mother, I actually sabotaged her independence. That is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Learning to let go is difficult. Learning to let go is necessary. Learning to show restraint is heart wrenching when your instincts as a parent kick into high-gear that danger is near.
Well-meaning mothers may have a higher level of protectiveness built into them. Or maybe it’s just a fear that if our children fail, it may be a reflection of our parenting skills – that maybe we failed our children. But now that I look back on this event, I think over-protecting and rescuing our children is really how we fail our children. My daughter was the wiser of two of us. She knew what she needed to learn and I just didn’t want to accept it. I’ve learned a lot. Now let’s just hope I can remember it next time.
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